Swim, swim, swim...

I'm awake... Don't want to be but I am up. Today is my day off and I just wanted to stay in bed and sleep. But I'm up and having my blended drink of OJ, low fat orange yogurt, ice, benifiber. I'm leaving at 7am to go to my water exersise class. It's been wet, snowy and just plain yucky here the past month. I want some sunshine! All is good here this week. Stress level is down and my tummy is not hurting anymore. But boy oh boy does stress feel different to me now with a smaller tummy. That's kind of scary (how stress feels).


21 days to go
5.4 pounds to go

Can't believe it's almost been a year since surgery for me. I was so in patient in the beginning and it felt like it would take forever for time to pass. But like someone wonderful told me "time passes anyway Susy" take a breath and find something else to do, and time will pass. It was hard there at 2-5 months post op being patient. You read, learn, pre pair for this surgery. You go have your surgery that you have been excited and you have been thinking about forever and you come home with nothing. No baby, no prize, just holes in your stomach and then it's time to wait. I had a hard time being patient to say the least for awhile. But the year did pass, I did settle down and become trusting in my surgery and myself and now it's been a year almost already.



OK off to the pool...

New jeans!

A week ago or so I talked about that dress that is size 12 that I want to fit into. I did try it on last weekend and it still does not fit me yet. Much closer, but not yet. I did put on some new jeans today that Barb bought me a few months back. We bought them small so I would have a nice pair of jeans later on. I just love them. I had my hubby take my picture today with the jeans Barb bought me. THANKS BARB :) I could not find any shirts to wear today when I was getting dressed. Everything but a few shirts that are new are way to big on me. I found this one in the back of my closet. It fits, that's why I'm wearing it. LOL When we left to go to town I had Derrel drop me at the second hand store where I've been consigning my old clothes. I got 3 new shirts for 15 dollars at the second hand store today so I'm happy to have something new to wear.

Here are the photos from today.

Sometimes I feel scared

You know some days I get a panicky, and this overwhelming feeling that my weight loss will go away someday. Why is that? Do any of you ever just feel frightened that this will all end for you? Or frightened you will gain your weight back? That scares the hell out of me. Have I learned what I need to so I can make this tool work for me for the rest of my life? I feel unsure some days. I want more from myself and my surgery, but still get this worried feeling inside sometimes. I have to be honest- I feel scared I will never get to NORMAL and or get to a healthy looking weight. Am I done losing weight for the most part? My total for January was up, down and ended with a total 3.8 pounds for month. *SAD* I'm skinnier YES, but I'm still overweight. I don't want to be looked at different because of my weight anymore, looked down on, looked at, whatever... At 175 pounds I still feel it with people. Is it just me? I still feel like the fat girl and not happy with my self yet. I still have some things to learn. Will I ever be happy? Will I ever not been seen as the "fat" girl by others or is it I can't see it or feel it? Everyone else gets "skinny" but not Susy. I've watched and read about so many of you. Sometimes I don't think that's a good thing cause then I start comparing numbers and weight, time and such. I've watch so many folks go from heavy to thin and to me they are healthy, skinny, beautiful people. But I'm sure you all have the same struggles and thoughts before. I have felt like "I'll get some weight loss, just not the grand prize". It's those nasty thoughts we have told our self for years and years that echo through my head some days still. Some days louder than others. I'm almost a year post-op, how much more weight can I lose? I'm scared I won't succeed at this either. I think about staying healthy for the rest of my life. It was all I could do to get the money together for this surgery. We paid for this for me out of our pocket. No insurance here. It feels and is my last HOPE. I could never afford to do this twice. And Dr. R has done this 2 times to get more success for the patient. I can't do that! I don't' get a 2nd chance to have a revision. Today I feel scared I won't get that dream of experiencing NORMAL or that taste of freedom. I know I've said "if I were not to lose another pound I would be happy". Most days I could say "yes" I feel that way. I do feel so much better, I just want more! I would be disappointed in myself if I can't make this work for me to say the least.

When I look at the photo below, I pick it a part. I hate my fat stomach area. I see I look smaller than a year ago. Her hips and boobs are much smaller yes, but I still see a fat girl overall. I just want to be proud of my before and after picture and I'm not there yet. Not obese anymore, just fat.


I took a pictures of my butt, I know it's not small yet... LOL



















I share my thoughts with all of you not to nag and bitch. I share what I'm thinking or feeling inside to learn from my feelings and other people. I'm not un happy with my decision so don't get me wrong.

I feel scared today.

Blue Monday, blue week...

Thank you for all the nice, kind words a lot of you have had for me this week. I got messages on Facebook, Yahoo, and here on my blog. My friend Jen saw my "sad" face on Facebook and stopped bye my work on Monday to check on me. That was sweet of her I thought. And the kind words were nice, so thanks! Monday was a rough day around here and even Tuesday was hard for all of us. Animals have such a gift and they are very missed, so we all have that in common. I got off work on Monday and just cried all the way home because I knew when I got home my Blue Dog would not be at my car to greet me. Came home and went right to bed to hide and be sad with my hubby. I know in my head it was 100% the right thing to do. I cry for myself and missing her in my life. She will be missed here in our home and farm.

I found out Monday my friend from high school hubby has to have open heart surgery (triple bypass). Gosh I feel so bad for them. Makes my little problems feel small. It reminded me of when I finally decided to have gastric bypass. Halloween of 2006 my hubby had stints put into his heart and thank god did not need open heart surgery. On that day I knew I was going to follow through on this journey for myself and have gastric bypass. I didn't know how or where but I knew I was going to take care of myself and that I was going to do this. I had to or I my weight and being obese was going to catch up with me. I was always just scared and that's what stopped me before to really following through. But being there watching the hospital and my hubby was more scarier to me. I've watched to many loved ones have health problems with cancer, heart problems and such. I did not want my weight to take over my life over slowly but surly if I can help it. And oh boy, are things different weighing 175 vs. 300. WOW

Almost been one year

28 days left

weight 175.4

115.6 pounds gone

6.4 pounds left to go until I get to that goal of 169 (that "i can't believe I'll ever weigh 169" goal). So that goal for me 11 months ago was 169.

* 16.4 till I'm NORMAL (and that's the real goal)

Wow, Having fun!

Bluedog...

As I sit here on my couch with my great doggie Blue dog I am sad. She is never allowed on the couch as she is a 80 pound lab, but right now she is sitting here with me on the couch eating pizza. This morning I am giving her bones, pizza and letting her on my couch on my lap. Well for some of you that don't know, Blue Dog has 3 legs since she was about 5 months old. She is 5-6 years old now and is and been having a very hard time getting around these past few months. She is starting to drag her behind and is tired. In the past few months she has been having some rough days getting around the house and farm. We know this has been coming for months. Last night Blue dog has a seizure and was running around like she was hurt and then hit the floor/door. I just held her until she came out of it. It was sad. Derrel is having her put down today. That's it, she is having too much of a bad time and it's time to let her go and now had a seizure too. We have been talking about this and putting it off for months now. Her days are becoming harder and harder for her to get along on those 3 legs and it's not fair to her to have her suffer cause we love her and don't want to let her go. This is going to be a tough one, because she is part of our family and just a good ol dog. She really is... she knows nothing but love and is just has been a wonderful sweet dog. I got up early today to sit here with her and spoil her before I go to work. I can't imagine coming home tonight and her not being here.

DAMIT

sad,sad, Susy :(

TGIF

That's just how I feel about my week. I do have today off, but I'm doing the mommy/wife stuff around the house. Cleaning, dusting, laundry. I need to go to the grocery store and the bank too. We have Derrel's brothers kids over all weekend through Monday. So the weekend will be busy with kids.

I am happy with my weight loss and being almost 11 months out. I feel great and life is good! I did lose 3+ pounds this week so I can sure tell I've been stressed. Stress feels different when your tummy is smaller, at least for me. My stomach never used to be in this kind of up-roar before surgery. It's just different now. My stomach just aches now when I'm stressed or upset. I can take a prilosec and it feels better, but jeez...Good thing most of the time life is "mellow" for us in our household and isn't to stressful most of the time.

Here is a few up to date stats.

10 months 25 days post op.

today's weight: 174.8 down from 291

total loss to date: -117

pants size: 12. was size 24

I do have that dress in my closet that Barb (http://barbswls.blogspot.com/) gave to me back in November. I'm thinking that size 12 dress should be fitting me about now. It was just was about 5-6 inch's from zipping in November. I'm going to try that on this weekend and see if it fits me by now. I don't even like dresses and I'm so excited to have it fit me. Maybe I did like dresses, I just didn't like ME in dresses. ???

Thinking that's most likely it ???

More Oregon Ocean

Just a short video of the ocean, my son Jon and my sweet hubby Derrel. :)

Sucky week.

Well I went to work today with a tummy ache and now I'm home from my job. Same shit there, different day.


I got home this evening and checked my e-mail and heard from family services about that little girl that is in foster care that I used to read with. I've been trying to get permission from them for a visit or maybe get back to reading with her like we used to. She was adopted about a year + ago and moved away. Ultimately they sent her back for reasons I don't know or understand. So when I learned she was back in the area she made contact with me by e-mail and was very hopeful we could share sometime together again. She is here all alone as her 3 siblings are still back on the East coast with the adopted family. How sad is that to be back where you started when your sisters got adopted. I felt very sad for her. Well today I heard from them and at this time they told me that it has ultimately been determined that it is not (currently) in her best interest to visit or e-mail me. She is very involved in her treatment and her community at many levels and adding another piece to it at this time would be too much. I understand that this little girl has been through something I don't understand because I don't know the facts. I was just a volunteer and her reading pal. But this little girl and me became close and bonded years ago. I thought I'd never see her again, but I knew she would never forget me as I knew I would never forget her. It just broke my heart to learn that they don't want me to see or e-mail her right now. She is in treatment and they want her to concentrate on her goals right now. They told me it was nothing personal, it's about her treatment. I understand the facts, but needless to say I cried and wish it didn't have to be this way. She has no one here but a new foster parent and of course her mom that lost custody that she does not get to see. So I know I am one of the people that made a difference in her life and I'll remember that when I get sad. They just forget that people have hearts, but I have to follow the rules. They did tell me that "The team would be willing to take a second look at this later - perhaps in the summer. It may be that developing a goal around renewing an old relationship may be very appropriate later on in her treatment".

SO JUST MAYBE SOMEDAY. I just hope she knows I care and miss her and she doesn't feel abandoned by me, cause I don't want it this way! My heart is way bigger than my head. That's me = soft hearted.

My Job = Stress

I am all ate up over my job. I've had a stomach ache for days over this stupid job of mine. I feel I'm going to crack and my stomach is letting me know it feels the stress. To make a long story short. My boss stinks, she is lazy, is a liar and a thief and I can't stand to watch it anymore. She has been doing things around there that are wrong for months. Staying clocked in and going home, borrowing money from the petty cash fund and then destroying paperwork so that it can't be seen the money was missing each morning and evening when we re count the cash fund. The list goes on guys, I could share stories all day. She did it again yesterday (left and stayed clocked in). About two months ago a few of the employees were talking and one girl was so upset. So upset she was talking to her pastor about what she was seeing. She decided to call the district manager with the facts and let her know some of the facts. No nagging, just plain facts. She is not clocking out, so it's showing she is doing her 45 hours (salary job) but she is never there and not working. Running family around, Dr. apts and such while on the clock. Once she was clocked in and in Portland 3 hours away. The girl let the district manager know that for months we were short 100+ dollars as she was borrowing from the petty cash fund. She needed a $20 she would just borrow it for a week or two. Well it did no good because the district manager never checked into any of the allegations that were made. The girl that went to the DM got fired for talking 2 days later. It's like she was more easily disposable than the manager. It was easier for the DM to not follow through, then to just look into the truth and have to re hire a new manager. If she would of looked she would of saw the truth. I'm now to the point I can't watch this anymore, it's not fair and just plain wrong what is going on and how she is taking advantage of this company. My boss is telling me she is quiting in Feb. so I'm trying to hold out as I do like my job, just not the bitch. And if she is really leaving in the next month it will be worse as she is out of there and knows it. She does nothing and gets paid pretty good for running that store. I don't think I can do it, as the next month could be a long one waiting for her to go. I hate being a slave to my job for money reasons. This is crazy. And a slave is how I'm feeling cause I just can't quit as we need the money. Now my stomach is keeping me up all night and I'm very upset. Finding a new job in Jan/Feb. is not a easy task in the middle of winter, but I've got to do something. There is no one to call to share the truth as they don't care I guess, so I just watch and keep my mouth shut, but it's driving me crazy and making my stomach hurt.

Sorry for going on and on... but I needed to write.

Sad Susy :(

Gotta love the ocean...

Had a good time this weekend. Saturday we all woke up and went to the rec. room and had breakfast together. That afternoon Jon stayed with uncle Steve and played games and we went back to our room, watched a movie, took a nap, took a bath, and got some kisses. Not a bad afternoon at all, I'll take it anytime. Pretty mellow weekend overall. I ate too much different food all over one weekend so overall I feel icky. Went out to eat Saturday night and I did have a salad. Pizza was Friday night, had some ice cream. Saturday ate some Skittles, Pringles, salad, more ice cream that night. By Sunday I didn't want anymore ice cream. A year ago I would of had seconds, I loved ice cream. I still do just now I like it, it doesn't like me. I had a tummy ache Friday night in bed, not bad but my stomach never aches. Even if it was just a scoop, I feel the differences in my body with sugar and crap in it vs. without it. Here are a few pictures I took this weekend and a new picture of me on my side bar. I hate my mid section/tummy area and I want it to go away. I look at pictures of myself and pick them apart. I'm still not happy with what I see looking back at me, will I ever?????? I'm just not sure sometimes. My hair is like in this TRANSITION stage of growing out. I see I need a hair cut and it still needs to grow out. Anyway had a relaxing time, with enjoyable company.

The Weekend...

My cousin Steve and his family are coming to visit this weekend. We are both owners in a timeshare (Worldmark). So since it is winter time we were both able to get a room there at the resort. We booked it on bonus time so we are staying the weekend for cheap. They have a pool and we have got the PS2, movies, board games, food, wine all packed up to spend some time together with our family's. I wrote Steve this past fall and told him "that we really have to find time to get together more often." I know life gets busy, but when time passes and we don't talk that makes me sad. So we planned this weekend and it will be nice to visit and spend family time together on the ocean. I don't have much family left as I have lost a lot of people close to me in my life. So the family I do have I want to TREASURE and spend time with. Life is too short!

I will take some pictures to share with you all.

178.2 this morning. 3.2 loss this week. Wow, can't believe it. Who would of thought Susy would ever weigh anything less than FAT. I am amazed and loving it. 9.2 more pounds till my first goal of 169. I just want to dance, cry, jump up and down, scream, yell, let's just say I'm excited to be feeling the changes that are happening to me.

Well I'm off and I'll be back with some photos to share.

170's at last...

Scale finally moved again. Yeah.

I did go to the pool yesterday before I went to work at noon. I have been doing pull ups at the pool too the past few times.

Today at last I'm in the 170 zone. Today I weighed 178.8. PhEw...

Have my tuna fish all made up in the fridge to take to work today for lunch. One can of tuna still lasts me 2 meals. Trying to make things ahead of time to make it more convenient. I was just happy to see 170 something!

Have a good Wednesday!

Romantic evening...

This past week seems to have been pretty busy around my home. I worked everyday this past week. On Friday I did get off work at 3pm. My husband called and said "guess who has got a ocean view room in Depoe Bay for the storm tonight". US :) We had another storm coming in last Friday with wind @ 80mph. So we rented one night @ a condo right on the ocean with a fireplace and a jet tub. Jonathan got home from school, took him to a friends house for the night, and had a very nice evening by the ocean. That was a nice surprise and fun to watch the storm by the ocean and the waves crashing off the rocks.

The next morning after we got around we went to lunch. Had a bit to much to drink and some real food sounded good. Well... I had a garden burger (left 1/2 of the bun off my burger) and a few bites of some salad. That meal was the first time since surgery I felt like I over ate. I should not of finished that last few bites of my garden burger. Sad part is I knew it in my head. I remember thinking I was full, but NO I didn't listen to my stomach or head and look what it got me. SICK That's what got me fat to begin with. SHIT By the time we were heading out of town back to home I told Derrel "to pull over". I lost part of my lunch. I did it to my self I guess, and or the liquor that was also in my tummy combo???????? I was just blah. Came home layed down for 1/2 hour and then we had basketball tournaments most of Saturday.

For some reason I've been hungry a lot more often most of this week. So I ask myself what am I doing different? I think I know the answer to that question??? I felt several times this week I am hungry and can't wait to eat. Just felt hungry more often. Different for me and strange. Guess the garden burger got me full for sure. I did pretty well over the holiday but you know the lingering candy left in the house that was in my stocking, I've had some each night. By all means I have not ate the same amounts of candy, but this past 2 weeks I've had a hand full of candy each night (hot tamales, cherry sours and shit). And that little extra sugar keeps me from losing. I want to be at my first goal of 169 pounds by Feb. 21st which is one year since WLS for me. Today's weight is 181.4. Minus 169 pounds (goal by feb. 21 2008) = 12.4 more pounds to go and and 5 weeks to go until I want to get to that first goal. So I don't go to work this week 2 times until 1pm so I am going to go swimming and get that back into gear. We went grocery shopping yesterday and got some healthy foods for us. I've been kind of stuck at 180 pounds for a few weeks. Makes me wonder if I am done losing weight or just stuck. I knew my body was going to make me work hard for these last 20 pounds. I am happy that most foods agree with me and I never feel sick from eating, but I never since surgery over ate until yesterday. To be healthy is why I did this and eating candy is not healthy with or without WLS. I feel better when I eat and make good decisions with my food.

So that's my week... and back to work I go... Get my ass back to the pool and throw that candy in the garbage.

I will win this battle!