Sometimes I feel scared

You know some days I get a panicky, and this overwhelming feeling that my weight loss will go away someday. Why is that? Do any of you ever just feel frightened that this will all end for you? Or frightened you will gain your weight back? That scares the hell out of me. Have I learned what I need to so I can make this tool work for me for the rest of my life? I feel unsure some days. I want more from myself and my surgery, but still get this worried feeling inside sometimes. I have to be honest- I feel scared I will never get to NORMAL and or get to a healthy looking weight. Am I done losing weight for the most part? My total for January was up, down and ended with a total 3.8 pounds for month. *SAD* I'm skinnier YES, but I'm still overweight. I don't want to be looked at different because of my weight anymore, looked down on, looked at, whatever... At 175 pounds I still feel it with people. Is it just me? I still feel like the fat girl and not happy with my self yet. I still have some things to learn. Will I ever be happy? Will I ever not been seen as the "fat" girl by others or is it I can't see it or feel it? Everyone else gets "skinny" but not Susy. I've watched and read about so many of you. Sometimes I don't think that's a good thing cause then I start comparing numbers and weight, time and such. I've watch so many folks go from heavy to thin and to me they are healthy, skinny, beautiful people. But I'm sure you all have the same struggles and thoughts before. I have felt like "I'll get some weight loss, just not the grand prize". It's those nasty thoughts we have told our self for years and years that echo through my head some days still. Some days louder than others. I'm almost a year post-op, how much more weight can I lose? I'm scared I won't succeed at this either. I think about staying healthy for the rest of my life. It was all I could do to get the money together for this surgery. We paid for this for me out of our pocket. No insurance here. It feels and is my last HOPE. I could never afford to do this twice. And Dr. R has done this 2 times to get more success for the patient. I can't do that! I don't' get a 2nd chance to have a revision. Today I feel scared I won't get that dream of experiencing NORMAL or that taste of freedom. I know I've said "if I were not to lose another pound I would be happy". Most days I could say "yes" I feel that way. I do feel so much better, I just want more! I would be disappointed in myself if I can't make this work for me to say the least.

When I look at the photo below, I pick it a part. I hate my fat stomach area. I see I look smaller than a year ago. Her hips and boobs are much smaller yes, but I still see a fat girl overall. I just want to be proud of my before and after picture and I'm not there yet. Not obese anymore, just fat.


I took a pictures of my butt, I know it's not small yet... LOL



















I share my thoughts with all of you not to nag and bitch. I share what I'm thinking or feeling inside to learn from my feelings and other people. I'm not un happy with my decision so don't get me wrong.

I feel scared today.