How did it go you ask?

We had a great time at the fair. Spent to much money and got really hot. I did ride the sky coaster through the fair. It felt really good not to think I was going to break the ride due to my weight. Amazing what you don't even realize at the time the things you having been missing being over weight. It's really the "little" things I'm most enjoying since losing my weight. The size 6 jeans are just a bonus. The food at those fairs always smell better than they taste. I did not give in, I wanted too but I did not. I really believe that is the way it has to be forever for me. I have to learn to say the word NO more than I say the word YES to any kind of foods I know are not good for me. FOREVER, not just this year but always now. I'm scared as hell to ever go back to how I once felt and it's me in control now. I did shared a corn dog 3 ways with my hubby, Jon and myself. 2 bites was enough and satisfied me and reminded me they are really not too good, there kind of yucky. LOL I did see chocolate cheese cake on a stick that sounded good but I just kept walking faster and faster. LOL The strangest thing I saw this year cooking up was fried Twinkies, candy bars and Oreos all fried in grease. Lordy.... what will they think to fry next. Everything was so big. The snow cones were the size of your shoe. A baked potato that should feed 3. Wow I don't remember everything being so big.

I forgot my camera memory card. It was in my computer slot at home. That really bummed me out. Anyway, we had a good ol time and came home tired and broke. Guess this means summer is almost over. And the bum deal of fall and winter coming is that here where I live it didn't even start getting warm until June. Our spring just was awful here in Oregon. We did not get a spring! I just can't imagine the rain returning already. No plans for us for the long weekend except working the farmers market. School starts Tuesday and you know I'm excited about that. :)

We did take a photo at the Oregon Lottery booth and they gave me the link to upload it. We won a free t-shirt and 2 lottery tickets that were losers. They cut off Derrel's head and I have no boobs. LOL Where the hell did my chest go????

Mmmmmm Nitrates and Grease...

Were off to the Oregon State Fair this morning. We thought we would waste the day in the heat and smell the grease for the day. :) I really want to ride the sky lift. It's really just a ski lift that takes you from one side of the fair to the other. I have never rode it because of my weight, so I am riding that baby this year. I like to visit the goats and baby animals, flowers, and the vendors can be interesting too. We are going out to eat before the fair so we don't get sick from all the greasy foods. I don't think I'll find anything healthy at the fair. Grease is the one thing I can not tolerate any longer after surgery. I might have a bite or two of a corn dog but if I don't I really don't care anymore. So just say NO.... to corn dogs, french fries, elephant ears, fried Twinkies, ice cream, scones, fried bananas, corn. Blah

I did pack my smaller cooler with grapes and protein bars so I have a healthy alternative. :)

How many of us did this?

:) just a funny!

Physical therapy ends

Yesterday was my final trip with my physical therapist. I've been doing PT since April. It was kind of biter sweet and sad yesterday. I was sad when I left as I still know I have a ways to go. I wish I felt 100%. I am still having muscle spasms in my left hip area and I wish I was not let go to deal with it on my own. But we had come to a point where I need to work on this myself everyday with what he has taught me. Even yesterday when he worked on my hip I feel pain and spasms. But if we look at the overall picture when I limped into his office months ago, I am better, much better. I no longer have constant pain in that area, I can cut and reach my left toes now. It's still a hard stretch but I can do it now. I still do not have a chance at painting my left toes, that stretch is to hard and I can not do it. I have to go have my toes painted by the beauty college if I want them pretty. My physical therapist yesterday told me he hated to tell me this, but he does not believe I will ever be perfect or pain free from these muscles. For years and years I limped and manipulated my limitations and after 20 + years I ended up with tight hurt hip muscles. So the only way to look at this is to remember how I felt a year and a half ago, rather than wish and think about what I can or can't do. A year and a 1/2 ago I was working in a video store and when I left that store from 8 hour day I would crawl home from being on my feet all day. I cried from the pain, drug myself from my car to my house. The first 20 steps in the morning were so so painful on my ankle and hip. I needed my husband to be my chiropractor and pop my hip back into place to even feel like I could walk. Just writing and thinking about all this makes me cry and shake as I feel so thankful not to be living like that anymore. Now I just have a nagging pain in my left hip and an occasional muscle spasm. I don't cry anymore over it from the pain. So YES I want to feel 100%, I wish I could run, jump but that is not the facts. I have to work with what I have. I did not get into this mess in just a few months. This injury to the muscles is from years and years. I have to keep stretching and moving those muscles in ways they haven't been moved in years, and keep swimming. I'm going back to the pool tomorrow for the first time in awhile. Even though it's over I came along way. The weight loss will allow me to move and become stronger. I thank god for what you have shown and given me. I was sometimes sad, hurting on the outside and going down a destructive path with my future if I stayed 300+. I was scared for my future and how I would feel in 10 more years. I know my pain and the extra weight would of just led me down even deeper as I aged. When you don't want to move or can't move you just get heavier as the years go by.

I am thankful!

I'm still working on making me a BETTER ME.

i love flowers

I got flowers today from my hubby.
i love it when that happens!

:)

One year, 6 months out...

I have been thinking a lot this week. Some times that is not always a good thing. I tend to over think, and I'm still learning to talk "nice" to myself. I am way better about it than a year + ago but still have some growing to do. I have to be honest and say sometimes I'm scared this will all go away and I'm going to wake up. I'm scared of myself, my patterns, as I have lost weight in the past but always gain it back. You don't want your old habits to sneak back into your life and find a way to cheat this weight loss surgery. I feel so good now. I feel alive, healthy and then feel scared that I will re gain weight and feel icky again. I know it comes from years of failing and self doubt. So rather that push it aside I am going to try to never look away again. I still step on the scale everyday (that never changed) to make sure this is really happening. And for me it's a good check to keep me on top of my weight. Me losing 145 pounds sometimes has not sunk into my head. I know I can never look away... I do not trust myself. For good reason, for god sakes I once weighed 340 in my 20's. Lost 100+ pounds and I was on my way back to 350 if I didn't do something to help myself. For me it's better not even to have anything sweet or tempting around me. It still makes me want more. And even though I can't eat as much I can have little amounts and even that "some" will put weight back on my ass. You know sometimes I feel I need to go see everyone I haven't seen in forever so they can see me skinny cause I don't believe this will last forever because I've always returned to fat and guilty, negative thoughts in my past. Strange huh, but normal for me. It's the things we tell our self in our heads and tell our self that are not good for the soul. I know this and am working on this. One reason for this blog is to be honest and accountable while sharing and learning from myself and other friends. It's the same while I was losing the weight. I told myself I was the one person that this surgery would fail. I have had great success thanks to Dr. Rutledge and myself. I worked very hard these past few months. Dr. R gave me the tool and I have tried really hard to do what I had to do to become a healthy being. Now time has passed and I have to keep that frame of mind FOREVER. Keep moving, keep eating the foods that are good for me. Not just now, but forever! But deep down I'm still scared sometimes-YES. I am able to eat more now and I feel guilty if I eat my whole meal now. Were not talking about the same size meal as before surgery but if I now finish my small plate I have felt guilty. Damned if I do or damned if I don't. And trying to eat something every few hours make me feel guilty too some days. Overall I do pick the correct foods but eating often makes me feel guilty too. I just really wanted to blog about this and what was on my mind. In five years I want to feel like a success. I want to be proud of myself. And since it's up to me it makes me worried sometimes. We can be our worst enemy's. Even after losing 145 pounds I can still pick apart a photo of myself. Lordy... My arms, stomach, whatever. Crazy! These are things that cross my mind from time to time. And I'm going to face them head on. This weight loss has left me feeling strong, happy, I have energy for life, pretty, pain free and I have more confidence. I have so much I've missed out on and there is so much I want to do in this new body. I'm not looking back anymore. That guilt is in the past. Time to be good to myself and most of all proud of myself! So I guess the point of this post is even thought they staple our stomachs they do not bypass the head. There are still wounds to heal and you don't just wake up one morning skinny and happy and everything is wonderful. I'm not scared anymore that I can do it, just worried. I just have to remember to never look away again. I looked away for a long time or I would of never allowed myself to become a 350 pound woman. Those jeans are never going to get tight again and me thinking or telling myself they shrunk in the dryer. No lying to myself. And most of all I will never forget what it was like to be obese. That in it's self should keep me motivated and looking forward.

The really good dreams are the one's that last...

August 2008

Not even sure what year this was. Early 80's. And I was in my 20's here.

Feb. 1997

I had almost dropped a 100 pound in this picture but still had a lot more to lose.

1997

Here I was at my lowest weight in years on one of my attempts to lose my weight.

Hump Day...

Lisa poked me today because I haven't blogged in a few days. Not too much going on here. I tried making ice cream again and it keeps freezing hard as a rock if i don't eat it right out of the maker whens it's done. It finishes up perfect but then when i add it to the freezer for a bit it turns into a rock. I did chocolate this time and did not really like it. I'm going back to the orange cream. Our truck is broke down. Bummer. It's our bread and butter and gets D and S Greenhouses back and fourth to the farmers markets on the weekends. My hunny is tearing it apart, but this is his first time owning a diesel so he is learning as he goes. But it sounds "not good". I hear words like turbo, glow plugs, relays, injectors, starter. Sounds like he is tearing it all apart. He did get some good deals on eBay of all places. He got all the part for his diesel truck on eBay rather than Napa Auto. One thing he got was a new starter for 80 bucks when the parts store wanted 300.00. eBay can be great.

Gosh I've been starving these past few days. What's up...??? Just been eating tomato's and cherries this week while I have the munchies. Still holding steady at 149 pounds. I just bounce up and down to 146 and back up to 149 these days. Which is great, I'm happy with that!!!!!! My goal is to stay right here where I'm at. I have to get back into swimming. My physical therapy ends soon so I will have my mornings free again to swim. I did buy my first pair of size 4 jeans. Hoot- hoot They are Levi's 505- size 4. My 6's were to big and I wear my 8's to work in outside. But yup, size 4. So once I can say I fit into a size 4. I have gone from size 24 to size 6. :) Oh yeah! Way beyond what I thought I would ever get.

And does school start yet before I go cRaZy! Not only am I stuck at home with all men, now there is a Rock Band in the house too. Today they brought a new video game home called Rock Band.....lordy, like I have a place for a drum set and another guitar in my house. And I tried to take a nap today.... big mistake... All I heard was beat, beat, tap, tap, pound, stomp of the new video game.


Lucky CrAzy Me... LOL

Were Home...

We are home from Seattle. We had a great time! We went to the Portland Zoo on the way to Seattle on Wednesday. It had been years since I've been to the zoo. That was a blast. After the zoo we headed to Seattle to have dinner with my aunt and cousin. Good times. It was sure nice to see my family. It's been to long. Thursday we went into Seattle center to the Space Needle, Music Experience, Pikes Place and the Pacific Science Center. Phew We walked and walked and walked all day long. We rode rides, went through museums, had lunch @ Pikes Market, went through a butterfly planetarium. We took more pictures of me than have ever been taken in my whole life all put together. We had a very good time! Here is a slide show of pictures we took.

Portland OR Zoo and Seattle Washington

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com