One year, 6 months out...

I have been thinking a lot this week. Some times that is not always a good thing. I tend to over think, and I'm still learning to talk "nice" to myself. I am way better about it than a year + ago but still have some growing to do. I have to be honest and say sometimes I'm scared this will all go away and I'm going to wake up. I'm scared of myself, my patterns, as I have lost weight in the past but always gain it back. You don't want your old habits to sneak back into your life and find a way to cheat this weight loss surgery. I feel so good now. I feel alive, healthy and then feel scared that I will re gain weight and feel icky again. I know it comes from years of failing and self doubt. So rather that push it aside I am going to try to never look away again. I still step on the scale everyday (that never changed) to make sure this is really happening. And for me it's a good check to keep me on top of my weight. Me losing 145 pounds sometimes has not sunk into my head. I know I can never look away... I do not trust myself. For good reason, for god sakes I once weighed 340 in my 20's. Lost 100+ pounds and I was on my way back to 350 if I didn't do something to help myself. For me it's better not even to have anything sweet or tempting around me. It still makes me want more. And even though I can't eat as much I can have little amounts and even that "some" will put weight back on my ass. You know sometimes I feel I need to go see everyone I haven't seen in forever so they can see me skinny cause I don't believe this will last forever because I've always returned to fat and guilty, negative thoughts in my past. Strange huh, but normal for me. It's the things we tell our self in our heads and tell our self that are not good for the soul. I know this and am working on this. One reason for this blog is to be honest and accountable while sharing and learning from myself and other friends. It's the same while I was losing the weight. I told myself I was the one person that this surgery would fail. I have had great success thanks to Dr. Rutledge and myself. I worked very hard these past few months. Dr. R gave me the tool and I have tried really hard to do what I had to do to become a healthy being. Now time has passed and I have to keep that frame of mind FOREVER. Keep moving, keep eating the foods that are good for me. Not just now, but forever! But deep down I'm still scared sometimes-YES. I am able to eat more now and I feel guilty if I eat my whole meal now. Were not talking about the same size meal as before surgery but if I now finish my small plate I have felt guilty. Damned if I do or damned if I don't. And trying to eat something every few hours make me feel guilty too some days. Overall I do pick the correct foods but eating often makes me feel guilty too. I just really wanted to blog about this and what was on my mind. In five years I want to feel like a success. I want to be proud of myself. And since it's up to me it makes me worried sometimes. We can be our worst enemy's. Even after losing 145 pounds I can still pick apart a photo of myself. Lordy... My arms, stomach, whatever. Crazy! These are things that cross my mind from time to time. And I'm going to face them head on. This weight loss has left me feeling strong, happy, I have energy for life, pretty, pain free and I have more confidence. I have so much I've missed out on and there is so much I want to do in this new body. I'm not looking back anymore. That guilt is in the past. Time to be good to myself and most of all proud of myself! So I guess the point of this post is even thought they staple our stomachs they do not bypass the head. There are still wounds to heal and you don't just wake up one morning skinny and happy and everything is wonderful. I'm not scared anymore that I can do it, just worried. I just have to remember to never look away again. I looked away for a long time or I would of never allowed myself to become a 350 pound woman. Those jeans are never going to get tight again and me thinking or telling myself they shrunk in the dryer. No lying to myself. And most of all I will never forget what it was like to be obese. That in it's self should keep me motivated and looking forward.

The really good dreams are the one's that last...