:) just a funny!

Physical therapy ends

Yesterday was my final trip with my physical therapist. I've been doing PT since April. It was kind of biter sweet and sad yesterday. I was sad when I left as I still know I have a ways to go. I wish I felt 100%. I am still having muscle spasms in my left hip area and I wish I was not let go to deal with it on my own. But we had come to a point where I need to work on this myself everyday with what he has taught me. Even yesterday when he worked on my hip I feel pain and spasms. But if we look at the overall picture when I limped into his office months ago, I am better, much better. I no longer have constant pain in that area, I can cut and reach my left toes now. It's still a hard stretch but I can do it now. I still do not have a chance at painting my left toes, that stretch is to hard and I can not do it. I have to go have my toes painted by the beauty college if I want them pretty. My physical therapist yesterday told me he hated to tell me this, but he does not believe I will ever be perfect or pain free from these muscles. For years and years I limped and manipulated my limitations and after 20 + years I ended up with tight hurt hip muscles. So the only way to look at this is to remember how I felt a year and a half ago, rather than wish and think about what I can or can't do. A year and a 1/2 ago I was working in a video store and when I left that store from 8 hour day I would crawl home from being on my feet all day. I cried from the pain, drug myself from my car to my house. The first 20 steps in the morning were so so painful on my ankle and hip. I needed my husband to be my chiropractor and pop my hip back into place to even feel like I could walk. Just writing and thinking about all this makes me cry and shake as I feel so thankful not to be living like that anymore. Now I just have a nagging pain in my left hip and an occasional muscle spasm. I don't cry anymore over it from the pain. So YES I want to feel 100%, I wish I could run, jump but that is not the facts. I have to work with what I have. I did not get into this mess in just a few months. This injury to the muscles is from years and years. I have to keep stretching and moving those muscles in ways they haven't been moved in years, and keep swimming. I'm going back to the pool tomorrow for the first time in awhile. Even though it's over I came along way. The weight loss will allow me to move and become stronger. I thank god for what you have shown and given me. I was sometimes sad, hurting on the outside and going down a destructive path with my future if I stayed 300+. I was scared for my future and how I would feel in 10 more years. I know my pain and the extra weight would of just led me down even deeper as I aged. When you don't want to move or can't move you just get heavier as the years go by.

I am thankful!

I'm still working on making me a BETTER ME.

i love flowers

I got flowers today from my hubby.
i love it when that happens!

:)

One year, 6 months out...

I have been thinking a lot this week. Some times that is not always a good thing. I tend to over think, and I'm still learning to talk "nice" to myself. I am way better about it than a year + ago but still have some growing to do. I have to be honest and say sometimes I'm scared this will all go away and I'm going to wake up. I'm scared of myself, my patterns, as I have lost weight in the past but always gain it back. You don't want your old habits to sneak back into your life and find a way to cheat this weight loss surgery. I feel so good now. I feel alive, healthy and then feel scared that I will re gain weight and feel icky again. I know it comes from years of failing and self doubt. So rather that push it aside I am going to try to never look away again. I still step on the scale everyday (that never changed) to make sure this is really happening. And for me it's a good check to keep me on top of my weight. Me losing 145 pounds sometimes has not sunk into my head. I know I can never look away... I do not trust myself. For good reason, for god sakes I once weighed 340 in my 20's. Lost 100+ pounds and I was on my way back to 350 if I didn't do something to help myself. For me it's better not even to have anything sweet or tempting around me. It still makes me want more. And even though I can't eat as much I can have little amounts and even that "some" will put weight back on my ass. You know sometimes I feel I need to go see everyone I haven't seen in forever so they can see me skinny cause I don't believe this will last forever because I've always returned to fat and guilty, negative thoughts in my past. Strange huh, but normal for me. It's the things we tell our self in our heads and tell our self that are not good for the soul. I know this and am working on this. One reason for this blog is to be honest and accountable while sharing and learning from myself and other friends. It's the same while I was losing the weight. I told myself I was the one person that this surgery would fail. I have had great success thanks to Dr. Rutledge and myself. I worked very hard these past few months. Dr. R gave me the tool and I have tried really hard to do what I had to do to become a healthy being. Now time has passed and I have to keep that frame of mind FOREVER. Keep moving, keep eating the foods that are good for me. Not just now, but forever! But deep down I'm still scared sometimes-YES. I am able to eat more now and I feel guilty if I eat my whole meal now. Were not talking about the same size meal as before surgery but if I now finish my small plate I have felt guilty. Damned if I do or damned if I don't. And trying to eat something every few hours make me feel guilty too some days. Overall I do pick the correct foods but eating often makes me feel guilty too. I just really wanted to blog about this and what was on my mind. In five years I want to feel like a success. I want to be proud of myself. And since it's up to me it makes me worried sometimes. We can be our worst enemy's. Even after losing 145 pounds I can still pick apart a photo of myself. Lordy... My arms, stomach, whatever. Crazy! These are things that cross my mind from time to time. And I'm going to face them head on. This weight loss has left me feeling strong, happy, I have energy for life, pretty, pain free and I have more confidence. I have so much I've missed out on and there is so much I want to do in this new body. I'm not looking back anymore. That guilt is in the past. Time to be good to myself and most of all proud of myself! So I guess the point of this post is even thought they staple our stomachs they do not bypass the head. There are still wounds to heal and you don't just wake up one morning skinny and happy and everything is wonderful. I'm not scared anymore that I can do it, just worried. I just have to remember to never look away again. I looked away for a long time or I would of never allowed myself to become a 350 pound woman. Those jeans are never going to get tight again and me thinking or telling myself they shrunk in the dryer. No lying to myself. And most of all I will never forget what it was like to be obese. That in it's self should keep me motivated and looking forward.

The really good dreams are the one's that last...

August 2008

Not even sure what year this was. Early 80's. And I was in my 20's here.

Feb. 1997

I had almost dropped a 100 pound in this picture but still had a lot more to lose.

1997

Here I was at my lowest weight in years on one of my attempts to lose my weight.

Hump Day...

Lisa poked me today because I haven't blogged in a few days. Not too much going on here. I tried making ice cream again and it keeps freezing hard as a rock if i don't eat it right out of the maker whens it's done. It finishes up perfect but then when i add it to the freezer for a bit it turns into a rock. I did chocolate this time and did not really like it. I'm going back to the orange cream. Our truck is broke down. Bummer. It's our bread and butter and gets D and S Greenhouses back and fourth to the farmers markets on the weekends. My hunny is tearing it apart, but this is his first time owning a diesel so he is learning as he goes. But it sounds "not good". I hear words like turbo, glow plugs, relays, injectors, starter. Sounds like he is tearing it all apart. He did get some good deals on eBay of all places. He got all the part for his diesel truck on eBay rather than Napa Auto. One thing he got was a new starter for 80 bucks when the parts store wanted 300.00. eBay can be great.

Gosh I've been starving these past few days. What's up...??? Just been eating tomato's and cherries this week while I have the munchies. Still holding steady at 149 pounds. I just bounce up and down to 146 and back up to 149 these days. Which is great, I'm happy with that!!!!!! My goal is to stay right here where I'm at. I have to get back into swimming. My physical therapy ends soon so I will have my mornings free again to swim. I did buy my first pair of size 4 jeans. Hoot- hoot They are Levi's 505- size 4. My 6's were to big and I wear my 8's to work in outside. But yup, size 4. So once I can say I fit into a size 4. I have gone from size 24 to size 6. :) Oh yeah! Way beyond what I thought I would ever get.

And does school start yet before I go cRaZy! Not only am I stuck at home with all men, now there is a Rock Band in the house too. Today they brought a new video game home called Rock Band.....lordy, like I have a place for a drum set and another guitar in my house. And I tried to take a nap today.... big mistake... All I heard was beat, beat, tap, tap, pound, stomp of the new video game.


Lucky CrAzy Me... LOL

Were Home...

We are home from Seattle. We had a great time! We went to the Portland Zoo on the way to Seattle on Wednesday. It had been years since I've been to the zoo. That was a blast. After the zoo we headed to Seattle to have dinner with my aunt and cousin. Good times. It was sure nice to see my family. It's been to long. Thursday we went into Seattle center to the Space Needle, Music Experience, Pikes Place and the Pacific Science Center. Phew We walked and walked and walked all day long. We rode rides, went through museums, had lunch @ Pikes Market, went through a butterfly planetarium. We took more pictures of me than have ever been taken in my whole life all put together. We had a very good time! Here is a slide show of pictures we took.

Portland OR Zoo and Seattle Washington

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

ice cream update and other rambles...

We are going to get 5-6 servings out of that bowl of orange cream ice cream I made last week. The only thing is the 2nd night it was hard as a rock. It sat on the counter a half hour before I could even get it to kind of scoop out. The first night it was like soft serve ice cream the 2nd night it was a rock. Still yummy! So I'm not sure if that was because of the yogurt or why, or if that's normal. Please be sure to share with me if yours turns out hard as a rock the 2nd night or share what I am doing wrong. I will try chocolate protein next time. Next time I will make a smaller batch I think. Derrel didn't really like the protein ice cream but my son Jonathan did. I think it's just to healthy for him and it's not as creamy as the real stuff. But to me and being without any kind of ice cream for so long, I am loving it.

Otherwise... Hmm I have a couple of friends that are going through a lot of drama. Shit oh dear. I'm happy with my boring, normal, peaceful, happy life. Hearing there story's makes me thankful. But boy oh boy...DrAmA

Were going to Seattle next week! Oh yeah! We have gone no where this summer and really wanted to get away for a couple of days. So were traveling Wed. Playing in Seattle Thursday and driving home on Friday to return back to work and life by Saturday. My Aunt Loretta lives up there and is kind enough to let us crash at her house. I get to spend some much needed time with her. I can't wait to see her. She is going to be flabbergasted when she sees me. I have not seen Aunt Loretta since October of 07. I was weighing 200+ pounds then and that was 50+ pounds, a lot of inches and a new hair do ago. Short and fast trip but we are excited. Were planning to go to Pikes Place, Seattle music experience and I'm hoping we also get to go to the Pacific Science Center if we have time. They have a butterfly house, planetarium and a few other exhibits I really want to see. Big city with so little time. So we will cram in what we can along with visiting my aunt. We are about 7 hours from Seattle. Last time I was in Seattle I was in so much pain with my hip. I remember walking to the space needle and just hating life and my pain. I can't wait to walk around. I feel free from this weight and pain of mine I've lived with for a lot of years. It's so wonderful not dreading the little things anymore. I really feel so, so, so lucky and thankful to have lost the weight. I can walk now and not dread the experience and the pain I used to feel after a day of being out and about and living in my heavy body. It's wonderful! Living in a skinny body is way different. I will blog on that more later.

Here is a photo of us the last time we were in Seattle in 2005. I was not at my heaviest but was still around 275+ here.

3 more days and were out of here! :)
Now the question is what to wear?????

LATER GATOR...

Oh my goodness Good!

My first batch of protein ice cream came out wonderful. Oh my! I mean really, "oh my goodness GOOD"! I added yogurt to the recipe and doubled it up. So this is what I created today and how much.

Orange Creamsicle Protein Ice Cream!

4 cups soy milk

7 scoops of Matrix orange cream protein

4 orange low fat yogurt
1/2 cup of orange juice

So now lets to the math on this creation:

calories- 1390

protein- 213g

fat- 32g

Now that's for the whole creation. There is a lot of ice cream there.

So let's divide that by 5.

calories- 278

protein- 42g

fat- 7g

I'll let you know if I get 5 servings out of it. I'm hoping my family loves it too!

Oh my! :)

Hello Honda!

Well we went to town yesterday to go out for a oil change, lunch and Wal mart. I came home with a new (new to me) car. We have been talking about dumping my Pontiac grand am forever. It's gone! HeLLo HoNdA! I really really wanted the 2008 Honda Accord but we could not afford it. The 2008 Accord was so sweet. Then I came back to reality and we got one we could afford. I'm thrilled to be rid of my Pontiac and back into a Honda. It even has a moon roof. I love that! I also guess I haven't showed my drivers licence very much in the past year cause I got 2 comments yesterday because my drivers licence doesn't look like me anymore. I'm starting to feel very comfortable in my body now that when someone says something to me about my looks or my weight I forget for a second who they used to know. Anyway, I did not make protein ice cream yet as we spent yesterday buying a car when it was just to be a quick trip to Wal mart.