Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Just a ramble...

It's been a good week for me so far, as my boss is out of town and I can just enjoy my job and my regular customers. I do have today off so I'm going to get somethings done around the house and maybe even the grocery store. I’m not sure why when I got out of bed I didn’t head into the pool like I usually do. Just was nice to be home and quiet. It didn’t even cross my mind this morning to head into the pool, I just stayed sitting on the couch watching the boob tub. I watched the biggest loser this morning that I recorded last night. I’ve been there myself. Starving, working out from 8am to noon, and I could never get below 220 pounds after all my attempts at losing weight. I just find that show interesting and positive when watching there hard work and how they all work together. I do wish I had someone again to count on to help push me and work towards goals together again. I used to have this friend Connie that was lean, fit, and healthy and a professional weight lifter. Boy let me tell you that was intimidating working out with some that has little to no body fat and your 250 pounds. She would never miss our workouts and she taught me a lot for the year + we worked out together. She taught me how to lift weights the correct way and I miss her presents in my life after she moved away. I would have paid her good money for her support as she was that good at pushing and being positive. She is now a personal trainer, but lives to far away from me now. I miss having a workout partner I can count on.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the last year that has just passed for me. Next week is one year since my weight loss surgery. It has been a hard year in some aspects of my journey. Something’s for me are very different; other parts have been exciting and joyful. Most of all I'm thankful for the little things that have changed for me. I understood when Amber (http://amber-weightloss.blogspot.com/) wrote “you come to expect and get used to a loss each month and now that she has halted and slowed down some she is kind of bummed and let down in a sense sometimes still”. I totally understand that! When she wrote that I wondered if and how I will soon feel when my weight loss stops for the most part.

Once again at work yesterday I needed to get down on the floor on my knees and do some work for a few minutes. I tried talking myself out of getting down on the floor. WHY? Because that’s all I known for all these years I’m guessing. I had to make myself get down on my knees. I’m thinking the whole time, “let’s just see how this goes”. Will my knees hurt in pain like they used to? Can I get up off the floor? It’s like I’m scared to try sometimes. Or I’ve avoided doing different things for so long that I’m still talking myself out of it sometimes. I found it didn’t hurt and I got right up without struggling. Then I say “AMAZING”. Hear is another for you- When my family comes out of Wal Mart a lot of the times my son and hubby race with the cart to the car running across the parking lot. My son tells me “mom you’ve lost more than a 100 pounds, you can run now, just try”. I won’t… WHY? Part is my limp and my ankle limits me but that’s just an excuse. I have to find a way to challenge myself so I can gain the courage I need to keep trying new things. So that’s my goal for 2008. To step out of my box more often and just try it.

I do not find people are treating me different as a thinner Susy yet. Maybe that’s just in my eyes, I’m not sure. I do live in a small town and thankful people seem to like me for me, fat or smaller. But it sure is funny bumping into people you haven’t seen in sometime after losing 125 pounds. I’ve got “Susy, your skinny”. LOL Most of the time there saying “Susy, is that you”????????? There is a definite question in there head and coming out of there mouth, but my red hair always gives me away. They know it’s me because of my hair color. And speaking of my hair… I am so happy to have a new hair do on my head. I just love it! I still am wearing NO hair spray and kept it just like the girl cut it while in L.A. See there, a pattern. Change is hard for me. I’ve always thought about cutting it but no one ever came up with anything I could stand or they never had any good ideas for my head. I was very nervous going to have my hair changed that day, but I new I can trust Scott and Barb so I stepped out of my box and took a chance and I’m glad I did. Now I just have to find that in myself and continue stepping out of that box. I will have to talk myself though it, but I can do this.

Still learning…
Happy Valentines Day. No chocloate here... well maybe a protein bar. :)

1 comment:

SignGurl said...

I'm pretty impressed that you are making stepping out of your comfort zone a priority. After all, if we don't try, we will never know.

I am having the same feelings as Amber. It's so hard when you are used to losing X amount of weight a month and you slow down to 1 or 2 pounds. I'm 18 pounds from my original goal and 38 from my new one. That bums me out that I may never see them. I have to remind myself that because I was so much heavier than most, I will probably never see my goal.

Hope you are having an awesome Valentine's Day!