GASTRIC BYPASS - RNY - WLS : FOOD, FOOD, FOOD

She speaks the truth!

I think Tauna just said what we all think and have felt if you have ever used food as your friend, comfort, or whatever. I've often blogged and been honest about how I wish my gastric bypass Dr could of some how bypassed my head too. So how now that I'm 3 + years out how do I deal with the head games, food issues, hunger, being able to eat more, using food to cope...all of it. I have caught myself eating and wanting to turn to comfort food the past 3 years at times. Stress happens! And my head says "go to McD". Even today. They staple your stomach, bypass your intestines and everything you ever felt or tried not to feel or admit is exactly the same. The feelings don't just disappear because you got thin. For me I feel it's embedded in my mind. I talk myself through a lot. I just am saying nice words now, but not always. My best friend has taught and talked to me a lot about food and issues all being in your head. It's how you think about it she tells me over and over. She feels I obsess over it far to much even now. I think I've taken what I "used" to do and in a different way and I still obsess over it to this day somewhat. I'm telling you... I have to have what I call my "safety" foods around me and in my fridge. Even on a car ride I bring my apples, cheese or a protein bar. I know I either get hungry on the road and can't make a good choice at 7 eleven or I will get shaky and have to eat a protein bar to come out of the low blood sugar and shakes. Those happen when I've eaten to many carb with little protein and/or too much sugar. I crash, get the shakes and if I don't eat I will hit the floor. I did that once, now I know better. I do feel it coming on and I now take care of it. The right food brings me out of the sweaty, shaky feeling every time. So far I've never hit the ground twice. Something I live with after gastric bypass. So... if Susy does not have her "safety" foods around I kind of really need to get to the store. I keep things like yogurt, whey protein, bananas, cottage cheese, salad, eggs here or I do feel panicky. Make sense to any of you??? So far I've never allowed myself since the day of surgery to have a big mac. Why? Because I love them. Maybe it's a head game I'm playing with myself. I think "what if it doesn't make me sick", then I'll want another. Which I already know a big mac would be way to much bread for me to eat. I can't finish a kids meal still today most of the time. Every day is different how much much food I can consume and eat. I rarely eat hamburgers out or fat fast food. If we do go out it's always a garden burger, salad, or usually a good choice and always dry toast and egg whites. I do a times and have ordered a real burger from Carl Jr once so far and it was the best frickin burger I tasted after not having one for a long time. I made it special and it was fun. I'll do it again sometime. Do I want another instead of that garden burger or chicken... YES... but if I do I will not maintain this 155 weight that I have been able to do for 2 years or so. If I eat what I want I will gain~period. No doubt in my mind. I'm fighting to hang at 155. Egg whites daily, yogurt, cheese, and thinking about my food intake all the time. Throwing away bread off a sandwich to thinking about calories to saying "no thanks" a good part of the time. Truly... it's up to me now if I want to maintain. I've seen to many times with bypass patients gaining weight, some gain more than others. Which is ok. We don't weigh 250, 300 or even 350 like I was once a long time ago. We are still healthier beings. That's not what I want for myself. I don't have to be a skinny or really thin girl to be happy. Small gain=OK, big gain= out of control. I'm being honest with myself these days. I can't be the fat girl my whole life to get thin, to get fat again. I won't have it. Depression is what I would feel... I just know it. I am ok with my 10-12 pound gain from my lowest weight. My lowest weight I ever saw was 145. I've hovered around 149-152 for a long time. Now I'm seeing 154-156. I'm maintaining all because I'm eating and making good choices more time's than not I guess. With the how I cook, to meats I buy, what I order and what I put into my mouth and how often. If I don't think about it I'm sure I won't stay in the 150's. For myself, I do not want to be the girl that eat the Easter candy, the ice cream or whatever and has to replace it cause she ate it. Sneaky... I hate it and hate that I used to do that. She gone. No more will I eat my kids candy, sneak food or whatever. I don't like her and so far I've stayed true to myself. I do just put the candy out of site and it does not haunt me as bad if it's not in my face. There is shit food in my house, but I keep it out of sight and that is easier for me. So I stayed strict, it's working for me today and has for 3 years. My family no longer has to ask "where did the cupcakes go"? So I buy South Beach protein bars, whey protein, yogurt, fruit, all sorts of stuff that when I do eat, I eat pretty good and low in calories. Because I still get hungry at night, still snack to much sometimes but then it's on things like I've mentioned. I eat that cause it has 100 calories or that protein bar is good and only has 190 calories. Still want the cookie but I can't have the cookie without the big butt. Even if it's fake chocolate, it's good. I've found some stuff I like, works for me and so far I'm going with it. It feels too good to be thin and really nothing tastes as good. Too me. If I think I've eaten to much or snacked a bit to much that day I STOP and really think about what it was like to be "trapped" in that body most of my life. I feel kind of sick to my stomach and all stop eating. It really is a mind thing and of course keeping your body moving any way you can. Do you know anyone skinny that really doesn't work @ it, thinks about it? Yeah there's a few out there that can eat what they want and stay thin but not most. It's a job, just like marriage. Like I said "my friend thinks I think, weigh and count to much". But I think I looked away, ate what I wanted for 38 years and look where that got me. I was hurting inside, standing aside and pushed aside for years all because of my weight in some matter. To the things I did or didn't get to do, in all parts of my life. I stood aside too long. I wish I would of done it sooner. Now my body is worn and kind of tired. Carried a lot of extra weight around for a long, long time. I have back and hip problems even today after getting thin. It in a sense was a little to late on my joints and muscles. On the other hand it has made me who I am today. I could be feeling this muscle/back/hip pain 150 pounds heavier. It could be much worse. I'm more free to move now. I'm still the same on the inside, just different on the outside, but it made a hell of a difference in how I see the world. I'm still the fat girl in my head. I still don't like to be noticed or stared down by men. That's just who I am. I like my hubby to do it, but the fat girl in me often does not believe him. But I'm way better than I used to be as he has talked me through it. He loved me phat... he loves me now, I do know that. I dunno... still obsessive? I gotta take care of me and I have to eat. So I keep many things around for me and my healthy ways that I love and that are ok to have. My hubby says' all the time "it was cheaper when you were fat". LOL supplements, vitamins, whey protein, protein bars... still kind all about the food huh? I try to think about it the "healthy" way. Doing the best I can do, and saying NO more often to bad choices. Just trying to survive and stay thin damn it! LOL So if I'm right or wrong this is how I'm doing it and trying to staying focused. If I eat crap food I want more, it's just easier for me not to have it a lot of the time and I don't crave it as bad daily. Because the "honeymoon" of weight loss surgery is over but I'm not done. Trying to make myself proud. One meal at a time!